Myself

I am so scared to die that I almost forget to live . And then here I go again I am scared of failure and that's why I never succeed  .But just for once I want fear to get away ... I want to be happy . Just for once I want to feeli like my heart is a better place .. just for once I want to be this special someone for somebody out there . But instead I am too injured and heavily damaged to let it come closer to me . I guess is a way to protect myself , though at the same time I want to punish him for being me ... 
It's like I have no place in this world , or worse  like the world has nop place for me ... and I understand it when trouble is all I have inside my messy life  .Sometimes of course I am saying that everything is  fine , but this is one of the greatest lies I have ever heard myself saying !!! 
How is that possible me to be always the epic failure while the rest of the world is a dramatic success ? Maybe  am not supposed to be here at all .... maybe I am too me to be with people happy ...